Fireworks Shortage in Baltimore: Red Sox Pitching Causes Citywide Emergency
Orioles hit so many home runs, Camden Yards literally ran out of fireworks… and the Red Sox ran out of dignity
There are bad losses… and then there’s whatever the hell this was.
Your Boston Red Sox rolled into Camden Yards and turned it into a Fourth of July rehearsal for the Orioles. Except there was one small problem: Baltimore hit so many home runs, they literally ran out of fireworks. That’s not a joke. That’s not sarcasm. That’s not me exaggerating for effect like I usually do when this team forgets how baseball works.
That actually happened.
And honestly? It’s the most fitting summary of this game you could possibly ask for.
Let’s Talk About the First Inning… Because That’s Where It Ended
The game technically lasted nine innings. Emotionally? It lasted about six minutes.
Gunnar Henderson: leadoff homer
Taylor Ward: single
Adley Rutschman: two-run homer
Dylan Beavers: homer
Just like that, it’s 4–0 before you even found your seat.
You ever go to a movie and realize 10 minutes in that it’s terrible, but you stay because you paid for the ticket? That’s this Red Sox team. Except the ticket costs your sanity.
Brayan Bello took the mound and immediately turned into a batting practice machine. Not even good batting practice. The kind where the coach is like, “Just groove it, we’re working on confidence today.”
Mission accomplished—for Baltimore.
Home Run Derby: Featuring the Boston Red Sox Pitching Staff
By the time this thing was over, the Orioles had launched baseballs into orbit like they were trying to communicate with NASA.
Henderson: homer
Rutschman: TWO homers
Beavers: homer
Basallo: homer
Mayo: homer
That’s six home runs. Six. Against a major league team. Allegedly.
At one point, Camden Yards probably considered charging the Red Sox pitching staff rent for how often they helped redecorate the seats.
And the best part? It wasn’t even dramatic. No tension. No “big moment.”
Just:
crack… jog… fireworks… repeat
Until… whoops… no more fireworks.
The Offense: A Masterclass in Meaningless Noise
Now, to be fair, the Red Sox did score.
Three runs.
Which in a normal baseball game might matter. In this one, it felt like bringing a squirt gun to a house fire.
Wilyer Abreu hit a homer. Marcelo Mayer knocked in a run. There were some scattered hits late when the Orioles were basically checking their phones in the dugout.
None of it mattered.
Because every time Boston did something remotely positive, Baltimore responded by launching another baseball into the night sky like they were trying to win a carnival prize.
Brayan Bello: The Human Tee
Let’s not dance around it.
This was a disaster.
Bello gave up rockets, missiles, and at least one ball that may still be traveling over Delaware. Every pitch looked like it came with a note attached:
“Please hit this as hard as possible.”
And the Orioles politely obliged.
You know it’s bad when the opposing broadcast team starts running out of new ways to say “wow.”
Defense, Bullpen, Vibes—All Missing
The bullpen came in and said, “Don’t worry, we’ll keep this going.”
Mission accomplished again.
Nine runs became ten. Hits kept piling up. The Orioles lineup looked like they were taking turns in a video game set to rookie difficulty.
And the Red Sox? They looked like a team that already booked their Uber home in the third inning.
This Isn’t Just a Loss—It’s a Pattern
Here’s the real problem.
This isn’t shocking anymore.
That’s the scariest part.
A few weeks ago, you’d look at a game like this and say, “Wow, what a meltdown.”
Now?
It’s more like:
“Yeah… that tracks.”
No pitching depth. No consistency. No ability to stop momentum once it starts.
It’s like watching a car roll downhill with no brakes while the driver argues with the GPS.
The Fireworks Thing Is Perfect
Let’s go back to the fireworks.
Because honestly, that’s the headline.
The Orioles hit so many home runs that the stadium ran out of celebratory explosions.
Think about that.
A professional baseball team showed up so unprepared to compete that the stadium operations crew couldn’t keep up with how badly they were getting shelled.
That’s not just losing.
That’s performance art.
Final Thought: This Team Deserves the Sarcasm
At some point, you run out of serious analysis.
You can’t keep saying:
“They need better pitching.”
“They need adjustments.”
“They need to execute.”
No kidding.
What they need is a pulse.
Because right now, this team feels like a group project where nobody did their part, and the one guy who tried (shoutout to Abreu) is just standing there wondering why everyone else showed up empty-handed.
If you enjoy pain, sarcasm, and watching a baseball team accidentally invent new ways to embarrass itself…
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Because if this is what April looks like, just wait until the weather gets warm.
We might need to start rationing fireworks ourselves.