Monster Mash and Bullpen Bash
Red Sox slug three homers, silence Astros 7–3 in a game that felt like a fireworks show disguised as a baseball game
Scene One: Romy’s Monster Moment
Yesterday the Red Sox opened their episode with Romy González channeling his inner action hero. First pitch, center field, gone. No warm-up, no foreplay, just pure violence. The Green Monster didn’t even blink. It was the kind of swing that makes pitchers question their life choices and fans wonder if Romy’s bat has a vendetta.
Meanwhile, Walker Buehler gave up a two-run shot to Christian Walker in the top half, because symmetry is apparently a thing now. That made it 2–0 Astros before Romy said, “Hold my pine tar.”
Scene Two: Story Time and Toro’s Encore
Trevor Story decided to write his own chapter in the third inning. After Rob Refsnyder’s RBI single, Story launched a two-run bomb that hit the top of a billboard and bounced out of Fenway like it owed him money. Abraham Toro followed in the fourth with a two-run shot of his own, reminding everyone he’s not just a guy who shows up for the team photo.
By the time the fourth inning ended, Colton Gordon had given up six runs and was probably Googling “how to fake an injury convincingly.”
Scene Three: The Bullpen Doesn’t Implode (We’re As Shocked As You Are)
Boston’s bullpen tossed 4.2 scoreless innings. That’s not a typo. That’s not a hallucination. That’s a statistical anomaly worthy of its own Netflix documentary. Justin Wilson entered with runners on second and third and struck out two like he was swatting flies. Jordan Hicks threw 99 mph fastballs like he was casually skipping stones. And Aroldis Chapman closed it out with his usual “I’m not here to make friends” energy.
Scene Four: The Bench-Clearing Non-Brawl
Astros reliever Héctor Neris decided to spice things up by yelling at third-base coach Kyle Hudson. Benches cleared. Bullpens jogged in like they were late for brunch. Everyone pointed fingers. Nobody threw punches. It was like watching a middle school hallway fight—lots of noise, zero contact. If this were a reality show, it would’ve been canceled mid-season.
Scene Five: Carlos Correa’s Existential Crisis
Bases loaded. Eighth inning. Carlos Correa at the plate. Jordan Hicks throws a 99 mph fastball. Correa watches it go by like he’s admiring a sunset. Strike three. Fenway erupts. Correa walks back to the dugout wondering if he left the oven on.
Scene Six: Stat Breakdown With Extra Sass
Scene Seven: The Cliffhanger Ending
The Red Sox have now won four straight and sit four games behind Toronto. Sunday’s finale features Lucas Giolito vs. Framber Valdez. Will Boston complete the sweep? Will Neris bring a megaphone? Will Toro hit another homer just to confuse everyone? Will the bullpen continue its impersonation of competence?
Stay tuned. Same bat time. Same bat sarcasm.
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