Red Sox Offensive "Effort" Reaches All-Time Low in Pathetic Loss to Tigers
If the goal was to make Framber Valdez look like Cy Young and Pedro Martinez’s love child, then mission accomplished.
FINAL: Tigers 6, Red Sox 2
If you turned off your TV after the first inning today, congratulations on making the most productive decision of your week. For the rest of us masochists who sat through all nine innings at Fenway, we’re entitled to a refund—not of our money, but of the three hours of our lives we’ll never get back.
Usually, the Sunday before Marathon Monday is filled with hope and the smell of overpriced Fenway Franks. Today, the only thing in the air was the stench of a team that looks like it would struggle to score against a Little League rotation. The Red Sox (8-12) decided to treat this regular-season game like a mandatory corporate HR seminar: present in body, but completely checked out and praying for the free catering.
The Garrett Crochet “Experience”
Let’s talk about Garrett Crochet. On paper, he’s supposed to be an anchor. Today, he was more like a lead weight dragging the team to the bottom of the AL East. Crochet labored through 5.0 innings, throwing 93 pitches just to survive.
The 5th inning was a particular masterpiece of disaster. First, he gave up a solo shot to Jahmai Jones—a man whose career highlight reel is normally a 15-second TikTok. Then, after walking the bases full of Tigers, he served up a three-run meatball to Dillon Dingler. By the time the ball landed in the center-field bleachers, the score was 5-1 and the Fenway faithful were already checking their watches for the next commuter rail out of North Station. Giving up five runs to a Tigers team that usually treats scoring like a difficult calculus equation is certainly a choice.
Valdez Carves, Sox Starve
While Crochet was struggling to find the strike zone, Framber Valdez was playing a different sport. He went 6.0 innings and allowed exactly three hits. The Red Sox hitters approached their plate appearances with the same enthusiasm one might have for a root canal.
Willson Contreras provided the only spark of life in the first inning with a solo blast to tie it at 1-1, but that was the peak of the team’s productivity for the afternoon. After the first, the offense went into a collective coma. Trevor Story continues to look like a guy who won a “play with the pros” contest, swinging at pitches that were closer to the Massachusetts Turnpike than the strike zone.
Savage Take of the Day
It takes a special kind of talent to make the Detroit Tigers look like the ‘27 Yankees, but the Red Sox managed it today. The lineup has more holes than a block of Swiss cheese left in the sun, and the “urgency” we were promised this season is currently nowhere to be found.
At one point, the most exciting thing happening in Fenway was a seagull fighting a discarded pretzel behind third base. Spoiler alert: The seagull had more fight in it than the heart of the Red Sox order. If this team were a marathon runner, they’d be the one who trips at the starting line and decides to just lie there for four hours.
Looking Ahead to Patriot’s Day
The Red Sox will try to remember how to play professional baseball tomorrow morning for the Patriot’s Day matinee. If they show up with the same energy they had today, expect a lot of frustrated fans double-fisting coffee and regret by the 4th inning.
Tomorrow is the big 10:10 AM start. The Marathon. The tradition. Usually, the Sox play with a little extra “get up and go” on Monday morning. But if they show up with the same lethargy they displayed today, the only people running faster than the marathoners will be the fans sprinting away from their televisions. The Tigers have already secured the series; tomorrow is just about saving face. At this rate, we’d settle for them just remembering which dugout is ours.
Next Up: Tigers at Red Sox (Patriot’s Day) Time: 10:10 AM ET
Did you actually watch the whole game today, or did you realize by the 5th inning that doing your taxes was more exciting? Let us know in the comments.